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Women’s Alzheimer’s Movement at Cleveland Clinic

@LifeWithGrams’ Kris McCabe on the Caregiving Journey

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When Kris McCabe told the administrators at her grandmother’s nursing home that she wanted to assume primary caregiver duties, they thought she was crazy. For starters, she was just 29. Secondly, her grandmother, Mary, had Alzheimer’s. Plus, various family members had already tried to take her in before realizing the situation was untenable; Mary needed too much supervision.

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But McCabe knew she needed to try. In just three months, Mary’s health had declined precipitously at the state-run facility. She lost 20 pounds. She was quiet and depressed, a shell of her vibrant and sassy New Yorker self. “This was not the way that the end of her life was supposed to go,” recalls McCabe. “So I pushed forward, even as they doubted my ability to take care of her. One doctor told me I’d be back soon.”

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On March 6, 2017, McCabe checked her grandmother out of the nursing home—and went on to prove her skeptics wrong. For the past six years, she’s been her grandmother’s full-time caregiver, regularly chronicling their lives together on Instagram and TikTok @LifeWithGrams. “To be able to provide for the person who provided for me has been the most rewarding thing,” says McCabe, who lives with Mary, 85, in Chicago. “My grandma and I still have a lot of laughter and fun. Our love has only continued to grow.”

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Q&A

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Tell us about your grandmother…
My mom was a single mother, so my grandma was a huge support growing up. When I was 15, my family moved from New York to Las Vegas, but I wasn’t happy there so I went back and lived with my grandma. We’ve always been the best of friends.

What inspired you to become your grandmother’s primary caregiver at such a young age?
It was extremely heartbreaking watching my grandma diminish in the nursing home. I had this gut feeling that there was something more for her; this was not the way that the end of her life was supposed to go. As hard as this journey has been, it has taught me so many life lessons and given me an abundance of love.

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Life with Grams then...

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How so?
My grandma and I are a care partnership. While she does have a cognitive disability, her heart is still there and she is able to nurture me in ways I never expected—and so desperately needed, especially when dealing with the anticipatory grief of having a loved one with Alzheimer’s. Life can go in so many ways... I choose love and focus on the joy.

What are the hardest parts—and how do you overcome them?
I put on my best smile, but to be completely honest, I cry every day. There’s uncertainty in every moment. There’s also the uncertainty in my life. I don’t know how long this journey will be or what I can do to provide for my future. But I choose not to get pulled down by those thoughts. I process them, I go to therapy, but I don’t let them control me.

Advice on how to best treat someone with Alzheimer’s?
Let go of expectations and be present. Go with the flow. Try to control your own energies—when I’m happy, it provides a better environment for her as well. Also, nurture who they are and who they have always been.

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...and now

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“As hard as this journey has been, it has taught me so many life lessons and given me an abundance of love.”

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Tips for other caregiver?
Find a support system—and find your community. For me, meeting people who are going through the same thing has been such a blessing. There are a lot of resources online and on social media. Your local area often has in-person support groups, too.

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Being a primary caregiver can be a full-time job. How do you find the balance?
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. In the beginning, I felt like asking for help meant that I was failing. That’s not true. Call someone to help pick up groceries, for instance. Find ways to have what I call pockets of peace.

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What do you do daily for your own mental health?
I wake up before my grandma, so I can set the tone for my day. I do my gratitudes in the morning. If there are moments where I’m feeling overwhelmed and can’t step away, I take a couple of deep breaths and regulate myself. It’s important not to ignore those feelings. That’s not good for me and it’s not good for my grandma.

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From now to the end of June, we will donate a portion of proceeds from every single veronicabeard.com order to the Women’s Alzheimer’s Movement at Cleveland Clinic, which is changing the future for women and Alzheimer’s through prevention, research, education and advocacy. Learn more about the partnership here. #VBGIVESBACK

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