#MAKEITHAPPEN

Likeability bias is so pervasive and well-established that it almost doesn’t need to be explained. For the uninitiated: it’s the idea that women who are driven, striving and assertive are often penalized for the same traits their male counterparts are rewarded for. The New York Times writes: “a whole body of academic research on ‘likability bias’ shows it’s not enough for female leaders to be qualified — they have to be likable, too.” 

And while we often view this gender bias through the lens of the workplace and the election cycle, it’s a real-world, everyday problem. Just ask Aparna Shewakrami, who after appearing on the first season of Netflix’s Indian Matchmatching was deemed “unlikeable” for knowing what she wanted, speaking her mind and refusing to settle. 

We chatted with the Netflix star and author of She's Unlikeable: And Other Lies That Bring Women Down, about speaking up, breaking tropes and reclaiming your narrative.

You recently said you decided to return to Season 2 of “Indian Matchmaking” to be an example of “living life on your own terms.” What does that mean to you?
Since Season 1, a lot had changed and it was a direct reflection of the action I had taken to build a life I love for myself. From quitting my job as a ten-year career attorney to moving across the country to NYC to gathering the courage to write my own memoir, I’m proud of the changes I made to align my life with my values and passions.

We love your book “She’s Unlikeable: And Other Lies that Bring Women Down.” Why do you think women are subject to likeability more than men?
I could write a whole other book to answer this question! But in short, I believe the gendered roles we assign to young children carry over into adulthood. We praise young girls for being maternal, sweet, playing "nicely" with their dolls the same way we praise young boys for being courageous, brave and bold. So evaluating women through that prism of likeability becomes a perpetual cycle.

Do you see that apply more so in dating or in work?
Unfortunately, I see it equally in both places - it just looks different. In the workplace, we force tired tropes onto confident, driven, assertive women. They're the boss you don't want to work for. The angry woman who doesn't have a fulfilling personal life. The wretch who likes to make others as miserable as herself. We all continue to hear those stereotypes about women in powerful positions. That has to change.
And in dating, the trope morphs into thinking that an ambitious, direct and successful woman needs to "soften" for a man to love her. But the truth of it is, all women are deserving of love. All women are nuanced, complex and three-dimensional in their needs for fulfillment. 

What advice would you give someone going to a matchmaker?
I would tell them to keep an open mind and use the matchmaker as one tool in their tool kit. I would not rely on that one person to find you your partner but instead, set your expectations to use the matchmaker as one avenue to potentially meet someone.

You’ve played matchmaker yourself. What do you think it takes to be a good matchmaker?
It boils down to actively listening. Really, truly listen to the person you’re setting up—to their needs, wants and values. Meet them where they are, and then start a conversation about where they might need to reframe their partnership goals. Perhaps they're focused too much on a specific physical trait or, alternatively, not being specific enough about what truly would work for them. It's a constant dialogue and a good matchmaker knows it!

When do you like yourself the most?
That's easy! When I'm being fully and authentically myself.